Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
