just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
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