I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I got her a Nickelback box set.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
