worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
