we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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