i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
