Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
