In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
