I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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