The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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