lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
