Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
