I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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