hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
