i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
FUCK WHALES
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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