when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
