It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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