I puked a lego.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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