just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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