LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
