we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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