why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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