help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
