His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
