She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
