mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We need a shit load of segways right now
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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