guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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