Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
