he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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