did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She just used a chaser for red wine.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
