I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
