I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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