This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
