and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
