I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
