I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
