I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
