My liver just broke up with me...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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