I hate all girls vehemently.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize