I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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