Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
