let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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