you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
