I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
