Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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