he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also, beer. Big fan.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
