I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
