herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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