Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
