The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
