Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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