remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
