I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
