Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
