just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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