No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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