the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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