I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
