i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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