found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
