I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We have started to decorate penises.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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