i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize