YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
