The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
