I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
