I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
