2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
