I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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